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April 02 It was Richie's funeral on Friday. I stood at the front of the church staring down at his coffin, willing the lid to break open and for him to jump out and tell me it was all one big sick joke.. but he didn't. The last time Richie was in that church (probably any church really) was the day I got married.. I remember walking down the aisle with my Dad.. I had a last minute case of the jitters and felt like legging it back up the aisle and out the door.. then I saw Richie standing there watching me and as I caught his eye he gave me a wink.. and all my jitters disappeared. I wish he would wink at me again..
I found some photos of us.. everyone of them he's smiling some stoopid cheesy grin.. he liked it best when I pulled a "mongy" face.. as he called it. He's gone forever now.. buried in the ground next to his Mum and his Dad.. I feel sick when I think about him lying there in a wooden box.. its not fair.. he didn't need to die.. he shouldn't have died.
Yesterday I went to his flat and attempted to sort through some of his things. I didn't go alone which was nice, but it was still very difficult to do. Sad thing was there was a box in the hall with my name on.. some stuff he'd put together for me a few weeks ago that he told me I could have. He said he'd drop it into my house next time he was home..
Thank you all for the lovely comments.
I feel a bit better today.. actually started laughing again.
xx March 19 I had a friend, a special friend.. I've known him since I was 5 and he was 9.. he used to tease me then about my freckles and pull my pigtails.. but as we got older I came to rely on him like a big brother. I didn't always appreciate him and sometimes he treated me like shit.. but not intentionally and deep down he loved me with all his heart. We used to argue a lot, and sometimes we wouldn't speak for months.. but if ever I was in trouble he'd come running.. he was always there for me. Whether it was a midnight flight from New York or a midnight drive from London.. I could always rely on him. When I was ill last year, it was him that paid for me to go to a private hospital and get the best treatment.. it was him who stayed at my house and made sure everything was ok so that I didn't have to worry about anything.. it was him who sat with me and held my hair back as I was throwing up after I had chemo. He did all this knowing that his father had just died.. but didn't tell me because he was afraid it would stop me getting better.
He could be a bit of a bastard.. a real ladies man.. could never settle down with one woman, always had to be on the look out for someone better.. Although he told me the reason for this was that he was looking for another me.. He asked me to marry him many times, I always turned him down.. the last time because I was in love with someone else.. that caused problems in itself.. the two of them fell out.. and a mutual dislike was formed. I was caught in the middle and felt like I had to choose between the man I was in love with and my best friend at times..
I had a phone call.. from Richie's latest girlfriend. He'd been in a car crash.. pretty badly smashed up.. in a coma and lost a couple of limbs.. she told me she didn't want me to visit him. Then on Friday she was told he could be brain damaged and had lost an eye.. next time she contacted me was to tell me she was walking away..
I went to see him on Saturday.. sat with him all through the night.. just babbling on to him. When I told him that Wales had beaten England in the Rugby game he squeezed my hand, and for a while I thought he was going to pull through. I sat there all night talking to him.. I couldn't sleep.. then about 5 O'Clock Sunday morning.. he spoke to me.. just a few words "I love your hair like that".. then he died.
I knew he'd gone I could just feel the life drain out of him.. and I just sat and stroked his hand until one of the nurses came and took me into another room. I was really brave and didn't cry at all.. eventually I went back to the hotel and slept until the afternoon. I drove home last night.. and when I got home the tears started falling and they haven't stopped since.. he was so full of life.. so naughty, so caring, such a pain in the arse.. and I don't don't what I'm going to do without him in my life..
I went to choose his coffin today.. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. he wouldn't have liked any of them, they were all too miserable and boring looking.. I told the man in the funeral home that I wanted a black shiney one with red devil horns.. cos that's the one he would have wanted.. he couldn't help with that though.. I have to arrange his funeral now.. because there is no one else to do it. I really don't know what I'm doing.. and its all so awful and confusing and I just want to get everything just right for him. Its the last thing I'll ever be able to do for him after all..
I'm beginning to think I have done something really bad. Everyone I love dies. I've started to think I should just cut everyone off and go away and live on a desert island so I can't hurt anyone anymore.. This is the second of my close friends to die in a month! The 4th in just two years!!
I'm bad luck and I really hate feeling this sad all of the time.. everytime things look like they're on the up something bad happens and just drags me back down so low I think I'll never be able to smile again.. Ever!
I'm sorry Richie.. I'm sorry you died and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more over the last year. I'll never forget you and will miss you for ever and ever..
Love Scarlette
xx September 05 
Happy Birthday To Me..
Well not to me.. but to my space. It's one year old Today..
First entry was 5th September 2005.. and very significant in the scheme of things!
Anyway.. thought long and hard about this.. been opening and closing this thing on and off all week! I just can't write here anymore.. can't write exactly what I want to say without upsetting different people.. and I also find it upsetting to come here are at the moment.. so it's closing for good.
I've just opened it for a few hours so I can say goodbye to you all.. I've made loads of lovely friends through here.. and I've missed you all loads over this past week or so. So I've decided I'm gonna say this one last goodbye on here.. and visit you all from now until I close to say goodbye to you personally.. it may take a while as there are so many of you, but one thing I do have plenty of at the moment is time..
Bye Bye
Silver
xx August 31  xx
August 30  It's crap really.. life.. just when you think things are gonna start to get better, which I did about 3 or four weeks ago, everything goes wrong again. I feel quite brave this time tho.. got my sensible head on I
think..
I'm lucky really.. got loads and loads of lovely friends, most of whom will do anything for me.. as I would for them I suppose.. but it's only when I stop and think about it that I realise.. Even the friends I made through this space.. jus the comments they leave me is enough to make me feel better for a bit.. and sometimes I just come and read the comments over and over again cos some people are just so nice.. I can't hardly ever read what I've written though.. cos it just makes me cringe!
I write like a ten year old I think!
Had to close my space.. cos what is happening is so very private really.. all of it. And though I know people understand and care about me.. I don't really want them all knowing all this stuff.. Mind soon as I closed it was inundated with emails asking for access! lol haven't given it though.. only 2 people have access to it at the moment apart from me.. an well I tell those 2 people everything anyway (well not quite everything.. still like to keep a couple of things secret to just me).. so it doesn't really matter what I write.. Although I am guarded cos I probably will want to open it up someday again.. and I don't want to have to go through it deleting loads of stuff.. Though at the moment I can't see me ever opening it up.. but you never know! Anyway.. I've gone into hiding.. so I can't comment on any spaces either.. Had so much bad news lately.. that I'm beginning to feel I'm some kind of jinx to society or something.. and I just thought that if I write something down here it might clear my head a little bit.. cos it really is really muddled up today..
I went to see one of my old school friends today.. she's in hospital with cancer of the bowel and the liver.. I was shocked when I saw her.. cos the last time, just before Christmas she was perfectly healthy.. now she has no hair.. and is just really a skeleton sitting in her bed.. weird thing was she was smiling.. and she never used to smile.. was always looking miserable.. I told her that it's the first time I ever saw her smile.. but she knows I was joking and she laughed! I went to Gregs first and got some of those doughnuts with the pink icing and the sprinklies on to cheer her u a bit.. anyway.. we got told off a few times cos we were laughing too loud and disturbing the other patients so must have worked.. I hated leaving her.. I hope its not the last time I ever see her..
Someone else close to me died the other week too.. it's weird, cos I've known him nearly all my life.. and whenever I used to visit my parents I'd pop in and see how he was doing too.. even if it was just to pop my head around the kitchen door and say Hello, goodbye! Cos he never locked the door and anyone could just walk in.. Most times I'd go in though.. and have a cup of coffee and a fig roll and he'd make me have a game of scrabble with him! He used to cheat mind.. used to make words up and then give me bizarre meanings for them when I questioned.. lol it's strange to think he's not there anymore.. and I keep forgetting he actually isn't! Maybe cos he died and was buried without me knowing about it.. dunno..
Had a row with my Mum yesterday.. which is strange, cos we never row.. it was over nothing really.. I was just being miserable and sour faced and she kept on and on.. so in the end I snapped! Told her a few things that have been bugging me about her and my sister and her family lately.. should have just kept my mouth shut really.. cos I was a complete bitch.. but I've said it now so I suppose at least she knows how I feel.. We've made up now.. and she made my Dad cook me egg and chips for tea.. so she must like me again!
I'm feeling much better now physically.. feel tired all the time if I do too much.. but then I always used to get tired anyway.. so nothing new there.. my stitches are less itchy too.. and cos it was keyhole surgery the holes aren't all tha big and so there won't be hardly any scarring.. doctor said I can even start to go swimming again end of this week! So I'll do that.. I did have a little panic mind.. cos the stitches are on the inside.. they don't have to be removed they will just dissolve! So I got worried that they wouldn't actually dissolve.. they would just all come undone and float around inside me and join up and strangle my intestines or something.. doctor said I have a rather strange imagination!! lol
I feel a bit guilty cos I feel like I've let a couple of people down this week.. I've done my best.. but I really need to concentrate on myself from now on.. and the only way I can do that is to switch off and cut myself off.. I'm not used to doing that, so it feels like I'm doing something wrong.. but like me, these people have other friends to help them through.. better friends than I could ever be..
It's weird writing this.. cos normally when I write stuff in here I'm aware that a lot of people are gonna read it.. but now no one is! Mind you I dunno why people did in the first place! But since I closed it.. I got some emails from complete strangers who I never even heard of.. saying they always follow my stories and they miss me! They came off those ones with requests for access! I was amazed really.. all these secret people reading my stupid little stories.. most said they just came to read cos I made them laugh.. one said she likes my new hair and I reminded her of a young Pamela Ewing.. lol actually I know the person who sent me that one.. had a bit of a run in once.. and we had to go sort it out on messenger but we did.. didn't realise she kept reading though..
So see? I just worked out why I like writing in here.. at the beginning of this one.. I said life was crap.. now I've jus written all that it doesn't seem so bad and I feel a bit better! Have to stop now though.. cos I need the loo.. and it takes me ages to get there.. lol
xxOh Yeah.. and I got sent an email this morning Huw.. wishing me well and telling me there was something on his space for me.. so I went there and this is what I found.. although it's a bit mad.. like he is really.. I thought it was really sweet.. and no one's ever written a poem for me before!For Silver
Life is up
and life is down
Life is sideways
Life is an anagram
of elif
But that doesn't make sense.
But
Lets face it
Does anything?
Apart from Jaffa Cakes.
'Cause you can't argue with them
Have you ever
tried to argue
with a Jaffa Cake?
Futile,
they always win.
And just when you think
that the walls have
closed in so much
that your head will squash
R2D2 comes up
with that spinny trick thing
with his robot arm,
then walls stop,
peel back and
you're off on another adventure.
And your head is safe
your bits are fixed
and all the stuff
and all the bluff
and all the hurt is not enough
to hold you down.
Its......
tricks
and we get wise
and we get strong
and all the gits
get blown to bits
and you're scarf is blowing
and your smile is strong
so hang on honey
won't be long.
And all your tales
become your history
and make
your colourful
story
richer and more powerful.
And now I think
I'll write in pink
for pink is your colour
you claimed it for Wales
(not the fish)
Ad ooooo bugger my text
has gone
very small
So anyway,
what I was trying to say,
before I so rudely interrupted myself
is look after your inner elf
All this will pass into your
story
and there are many chapters yet to write
So I'll send you a hug and say
Nos Da!
Bugger that ending didn't rhyme (in Welsh)
but I ran out of thyme (and coriander, sage, basil, oregano, dave, dee,dozy mick and titch!)
August 28 Blimey.. I'm soooooo bored!! Dunno how I'm gonna survive another 3 weeks of this.. why couldn't I have been sick when the hot weather was here so I could have just lay in the garden all day.. get a tan on my scar?!! lol It's still itchy by the way.. thanks for the tip Buttons.. will try and get someone to go get me some Lavender oil tomorrow..
The carpet was really getting on my nerves Today.. all the dog hair.. like big huge balls of minny dogs lying there! So I got the Dyson out which was a stupid thing to do.. cos I really hurt myself.. Blimey.. something weird happened there.. my blog all froze up on me and I couldn't do anything to it!
Anyway.. I'm bored.. I hurt myself trying to clean the carpet of dog hair.. so I got my friend to come over and she finished it off for me.. and she brought some hobnobs with her and we ate those and drank coffee all afternoon! Went for a little walk too this evening.. just to clear my head and get away from everything for a while! Didn't go far just to the end of the street and back.. lol Took me ages mind.. I walk like an old woman! Will be getting one of those zimmer frames next.. Oh.. I polished my computer desk too and then squirted some domestos around the bathroom just to kill the germs and that! lol
I need some new books I think.. someone told me to read a book to take my mind off stuff! yeah right.. I've read about 4 since I went into hospital!! Have none left now.. so still bored!
Head's a bit muddled up today.. so much being flung at me.. not quite sure which way to turn at the moment! Been told so much crap today.. my head's going to explode any minute!!!!!!!!!
Anyway.. hope I haven't bored you all as much as I've bored myself.. I'll try have a more interesting duvet on the sofa day tomorrow..
xx
August 27 God I hate Sundays.. my most hatestest day of the week! It's weird cos I used to love Sundays when I was little.. me and my sister used to go to Sunday School after lunch.. then my Dad would meet us after and take us to the sweetshop and we'd get 10p worth of those little jelly teddies each. Then we'd all go to my Nan's and just sit around watching a film on the tv.. then my Nan would make salad sandwiches for everyone.. but she'd make me my own little plate of lettuce and beetroot ones cos I didn't like all the other stuff.. especially tomatoes.. yuk! lol Then we'd listen to the Top 40 on the radio.. and me and my Mum would sing through all the songs, while my Dad would sit there with his fingers in his ears.. complaining that this wasn't real music! My Nan's dead now.. she's been dead about 10 years or so.. but I still really miss her. She used to call me her special little buttercup.. still called me that up til the day she died.. if my Nan was here today I don't think I'd be in this mess right now.. she'd have sorted it long ago! She'd make it all right and make it better for me.. and just know what to do.. she wouldn't judge me or call me stupid.. she'd just understand without me needing to say anything at all! I've got a little box in the cupboard.. well its quite big actually.. its tattered and battered and the bits of tapestry all over it are coming away.. but it was my Nan's and its full of all the little bits and peices I've still got of hers.. cards, photos, necklaces, charms even a few newspaper cuttings.. cos she was quite famous around these parts.. lol I looked through it all Yesterday.. and I wondered if when I die will anybody have a little box full of all little bits that remind them of me! I doubt it..
I wish I wasn't so miserable.. I wish I could have just woken up happy this morning.. I willed myself to go to sleep last night with a happy thought.. but none would come. So I woke up being a right miserable cow.. with itchy stiches!
Even nearly had a fight with the neighbours! Well.. not me, my friend.. he came over to see how I was.. and wanted to take some photos of his car to put on his website.. so while he was here he asked if he could wash his car and then use my camera.. I gave him my car keys to move mine off the drive cos it hurts when I drive.. next thing I heard all this shouting outside.. he'd put my car on the other side of the street but outside someone's house.. this person had then come home.. parked across the entrance to my drive and stormed off in a huff.. he then came out and demanded my friend move my car and told him to piss off cos he's not even from around here! Then it all kicked off big time.. lol Men and their parking spaces eh? lol
Oh.. I just thought of something to cheer me up! Simon Cowell!! Does anyone remember my space this time last year? When XFactor was on? Well I confessed that I fancy Simon Cowell.. always had strange taste in men.. me! lol So then I just remembered the little poem I wrote for him.. gonna dig it out and paste it here I think.. maybe he'll come by one day and have a little read! lol
I'm gonna go have a mope around the garden now, seeing as the sun's out.. if anyone knows a cure for itchy stiches please let me know? Cos they're driving me mad!!..
xx
There once was a man called Cowell
Called Cowell I said not Powell
we noticed his grits
came up to his pits
and we all mopped our eyes with a towel
As you may have gathered.. I'm not really all that poetic! lol
xx
August 24 Hi everyone..
Just a quicky cos I'm tired.. wanted to let you all know that I am home now from the hospital where the nuns kept me hostage for 4 days! They were mean and bossy and I'm so glad I managed to escape today! lol
Hospital food was even worse than my cooking.. especially as they liquidised everything before I could eat it! YUK YUK YUK!!! I'm gonna be having nightmares about that food for the rest of my life.. just had myself some cream crackers and cheese.. tasted soooooo good!
Feel a bit weird at the moment.. sort of half empty! I'm sure everything will be ok its just gonna take time I suppose.. oh and I still have my hair.. was terrified I was gonna wake up this morning and find it all on the pillow or something.. well it was but fortunately it was still attached to my head!
Had loads of flowers and cards.. and came home to half a ton of emails plus all the lovely comments I got.. so gonna be busy while I'm off on sick leave replying to all that!
Oh.. I came away with a dishy docs phone number too.. think he was only after me for my intellect tho.. and he'll soon suss that was a sham (I was only pretending to read the Times, had a copy of Hello hidden inside it).. so I'll give that one a miss!
It's weird too how all that time to lie there and think and do nothing can make you realise stuff like you've never realised it before! Still now I'm out will probably forget all that and go back to my dizzy dim self.. lol
Libby missed me loads.. she's been following me around all evening.. giving me lots of cuddles! Awwww I missed her loads too.. can't understand why she wasn't allowed to visit me in hospital! She reckons its discrimination.. she's right! Animal rights and all that!! lol Oh you can tell I've been reading the Times can't you? I went all political there for a second.. lol
Had a visit Today from the gay camp man from work.. lol He's so funny.. scared all the men half to death! He brought me some buns with pink icing on and a packet of cow biscuits! Oh.. and he brought me a card signed by all the other men in the team and £30 inside which they'd all contributed to.. so I can put that towards some new shoes! Oh.. and he brought me my payslip in.. and I got another payrise and a £330 bonus!! Woohoo!!
So it's not all so bad really.. and I've got loads of time off work now too!
Thanks all again for being so nice and lovely and kind to me..
Silver
xx August 19 Hi Everyone.. thanks for the good wishes and the emails and the ecards etc.. It's all very much appreciated.
I am going through a bit of a tough one at the moment.. but I'll get there in the end! And its nice to know so many people are thinking about me..
I will reply to all your comments and mails soon enough.. but for now.. I'm going back to bed! lol
xx
August 17 Yesterday I found out that my boyfriend was cheating the whole time!
Oh.. and I also found out I have cancer.. there I said it!!
Oh.. and he doesn't know I know either of these things yet!
xx
August 16 Thought I'd best change this entry.. it sounded a bit desperate and sorry I worried some of you.. but thanks for the mails!
Had a bad night last night.. I have to go to get my results from the doctor today so I was worrying about that. I've not written it down before.. mainly because I think I'm too scared to say it! The word.. that I'm dreading the doctor saying.. I did ask him last week if I had it.. and he just said "I don't know". Which I suppose is better than "Yes".. but I was kind of expecting a "No".. I'm just hoping it's a No today..
As if that wasn't enough to get me worrying.. I also found out something else last night. It was a slap in the face, punch in the teeth, kick in the gut kind of thing..
The man.. that has been telling me he's in love with me, telling me he wants us to live together when he gets back from visiting his sick father, telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, telling me how much he misses me, telling me how special I am, telling me I'm beautiful, telling me I am the most important thing in his life, looks into my eyes and tells me he loves me as he's making love to me, holds me like he never wants to let me go.. it would seem has been telling some of these things to someone else all along!
Today of all days was not a good day to find this out! Of course he knows nothing about any of this.. I can't tell him just incase he really is visiting his sick father.. cos I wouldn't want to make things worse for him. Right now.. I'm not sure what I'm going to do and how I'm going to get through all of this..
I'll probably delete this entry later.. after I've had some sleep and thought it all through rationally.. got so much going through my mind right now I can't think straight.. I'll probably regret saying so much.. but for now I just need to get it all out..
xx
August 14 You might need to get your tissues at the ready for reading this entry.. as it is extremely sad!
Gary grew up as one of those children who had no friends.. I put this down mostly to the fact that he stinks and has a rather unfortunate habit of picking not just his own nose and eating it.. but other people's noses as well! Anyway.. due to this rather sad start in Gary's life he turned into one of those weirdo's as he grew older..
As you can see.. he quickly became very nerdlike as he entered his teens.. he was always very surprised that he could never get a girlfriend.. but the rest of us weren't at all! We'd have liked to help him.. but really there was no hope so we just ignored him!
Then Gary discovered computers and the internet.. and his life changed completely! He got himself a nice comfy computer chair.. an endless supply of dounuts, pies and cream cakes and never moved from his computer again.. oh apart from that time the firemen had to come and cut him from his chair cos his lardy arse had grown so big he couldn't get to the toilet.. So he just got himself a bigger chair (actually it was one of those huge sofas).. and this little gadget so he didn't even have to get up to go to the toilet anymore!
Then Gary discovered webcams! And a whole new world of twisted, seedy, lecherous, perversion was his oyster.. at first no one could make Gary out through his webcam.. cos there always seems to be something sticky and gooey on the lense clouding the view.. so anyway.. he wiped it off.. and the women just blocked him!
Gary was getting desperate.. how could he entice these lovely young women into his world of seedy msn wecam convos? Well.. it would be a start if the whole of him actually fitted in the little box on the messenger screen.. so Gary decided to go on a diet.. he cut out half the donuts, stuck to just 3 cream cakes a day, and only ate pies inbetween meals.. The result was an astounding loss of 30 stone! Here's a picture of Gary after he lost the weight..
Now comes the sad bit.. last night something terrible happened.. and Gary's world was torn apart! Gary tripped over the lead to his computer while getting up to get another pie.. and he is unable to bend down to plug it back in.. so now he has cut himself off from his world of seedy internet webcam messaging..
We need to act fast.. to stop Gary scoffing on all those donuts again and gaining another 30 stone.. its for the good of the country.. with no computer Gary will be roaming the streets.. causing pavements to crack, houses to subside, and cake shops to have a cake shortage! Please help and send Gary some money.. so he can pay someone to go over to his house and plug his computer back in for him..
xx
August 10
Hello.. Well I did actually write an update last night.. but all of a sudden as I was just nearing the end of my rather interesting tale.. it just disappeared in a puff of smoke! And Big Brother was about to start so I didn’t have time to start again!
Thank you all for your kind words and for coming back to check if I'm ok.. letting you know that I am. Will attempt to reply to all your comments this evening.. just depends on the mood of my pc and spaces I suppose!
Anyway.. Glad Yesterday is over now.. it was a bit of a horrible day. Spent the morning with my feet in stirrups and a rather peculiar geeky looking man with his head between my legs.. and not in a nice way either! He poked and prodded, stuck a needle in me, got his laser gun out.. at one point I felt like he’d just gone and crawled right up inside me! Sorry to be so gross.. but that’s how it was! I tried to drift off and think of other things.. but only thing I could think of was that time I wrote about in here a while back.. about the walnut cracker! (its in my blog list somewhere) lol.. made me giggle which was a bit embarassing cos peculiar geeky man might have thought I was enjoying myself.. 
Anyway.. I’m not completely broken yet.. he discovered that the infection I had from the last treatment hadn’t cleared up and so that’s why I’ve been feeling so ill.. he also did a biopsy just to make sure that the other things he saw are nothing too serious.. so I have to wait about a week for the results of that! So all keep your fingers and toes and legs and whatnots crossed for me please?
As if that wasn’t enough, I then had to go to the dentist.. just a check up tho.. and I don’t have to have anything done.. not even a scrape and polish.. cos he said I am a good cleaner of my teeth! Lol He did stretch my mouth a bit wide tho.. I have this wisdom tooth really far back which he said is really awkward to get too.. reckon he just uses that as an excuse to torture me for a bit!
Back to work then.. and have this temporary boss at the moment cos the real one is on holiday.. so he’s really showing off.. and was a bit sarcastic about me going out all morning for appointments.. felt like slapping him really.. cos I was sore and uncomfortable sitting there all afternoon.. and I did the dentist in my lunch break anyway.. and I really felt like just going home! I even offered to take on some extra cases.. cos there was a backlog on another team.. he was even sarcastic about that! The word wanker springs to mind quite easily when thinking about him!
Today.. I have been a disaster waiting to happen! I think I left my brain at home this morning.. knocked the paper towel holder thingy off the wall in the toilets, causing a rather loud clattering and scaring 2 women in the toilets half to death.. sang happy birthday to the wrong person.. who didn’t think to mention it wasn’t his birthday until I got right to the end! And exploded the microwave.. its true what they say about it being dangerous to put foil in a microwave!
I’m sooooo cold! Have been since last night.. and have been all day today at work too! I'm still at work actually.. crazy temporary boss man has gone home.. so I'm having a little break!
Oh.. I’m going to Oakwood on Saturday.. check out these rides.. and imagine the state my hair will be in when I’ve finished! I hope my insides stay in! lol
xx August 08
I only went to work for an hour Yesterday.. got in and felt really crappy.. apparently I looked a bit awful too so they sent me home. Had a sleep, took some painkillers and felt fine! So went out in the afternoon and did something very naughty..
Oh.. and on my way home Someone nearly killed me!! Not on purpose but it was a very dangerous situation.. I was driving across the Severn Bridge and there was a van in front of me.. and a car directly to the left of it. Anyway.. the van for some reason decided to go into the left hand lane but the car was there already.. so I thought.. I’d pop over to the right hand lane to get out of the way of the impending crash! The van saw the car at the last minute.. swerved heavily.. nearly toppled over and then promptly tried to drive into the side of me! Bloody nutter! He was swerving and swaying and going all wonky all over the bridge! Think he must have fallen asleep or something.
Oh god.. I can’t believe I slept so late this morning! Think someone must have worn me out a bit Yesterday..
I actually didn’t wake up until 10 past 9.. and the latest I can be at work is 10.. and it takes me 15 minutes door to door.. so that gives me 35 minutes to get ready! And I have new hair to contend with!! As well as a dog.. who just will not let go of the half a cow I bought her from the market!! She’s doing my head in with it now.. it stinks, she stinks, the house stinks! And if she drops it on my foot one more time its going in the bin!! It’s bloody heavy!
Anyway.. made it in with 2 minutes to spare.. only to find everyone waiting for me to start the weekly meeting! And I didn’t have my files and stuff ready.. so it was a mad dash.. flinging the contents of my desk everywhere to find files for meeting.. while I could hear all the sighs and tuts coming from the meeting room. Men!! Why are they so impatient!! And then once it started.. cos I was so late in and hadn't had time to look at the files I didn't have a clue what I had them there for! So I just said.. "I'm stuck on these" and threw them all into the middle of the table.. amazing how they all like to show off and couldn't wait to give me all the answers I needed! Ended up they did all my work for me!! hehehe
Weather’s getting hot again? Have to say.. I’m really liking the hot weather.. it reminds me of summers when I was little.. always seemed to be hot and never ending then.. just like this one! Just a shame I have to go to work in it and can't spend the days swinging on rope tree swings and dropping into rivers!!
Am a little disappointed in someone today.. could've really done with them there tomorrow! And can't help wondering if this situation was reversed.. would I have thrown the sicky tomorrow instead of today? But then I remembered.. Today is Tuesday!! Doh!
Oh and today.. I was told my new haircut makes me look very sophisticated! So I will be all lah-di-dah from now on.. lol Anyway.. I just thought.. does that mean I wasn't looking sophisticated before? 
Oh.. message for Moni the flowery lady! I can't leave a comment on your space.. have tried a few times but it keeps crashing! Anway.. glad you enjoyed the weekend at the lake with your family and the new boat! Makes me want to get a boat myself.. oh and the kitchen rolls.. are those paper towels you buy on a roll for using in the kitchen to wipe up spills and stuff! lol
Right.. I'm off to the swimming pool now! See how my new hair copes with all the chorine!!
xx August 06 Hello..
Hope you've all had a nice weekend.. well better than mine anyway! Started off in a lousy way Friday night.. and I got absolutely no sleep! Finally fell asleep about 7am and then woke up in a mad panic about half 9 because I was late for someone!
Went to the hairdressers in the afternoon.. and really wish I had stayed in bed instead! Its my own fault.. I asked for it to be short.. but I just assumed she'd cut it off a little bit at a time.. and ask if I was sure before cutting a bit more so I could stop her if I panicked! But she looked at the picture I took in.. said "Yep" and just lopped it all off in one go! Had a tear roll down my cheek as i saw my hair lying in a pile on the floor.. wanted to get down and scoop it all up and ask her to stick it back on! But its gone for good! My hair has never been this short in my life! When I got up this morning.. in my sleepy state I forgot I'd been to the hairdressers.. so when I looked in the bathroom mirror.. I screamed and jumped aout of my skin.. cos I thought someone had swapped heads with me in the night! lol
Its level with my chin! I tried to take a photo to show you all.. but its too dark in here and doesn't show up properly.. so I'll do it tomorrow when its lighter!
Anyway.. after the hairdressers.. my friend took me out to lunch and we went to Caerphilly castle.. which isn't far away but neither of us have been there before so we acted like tourists and ate our sandwiches on the river bank.. talked about my hospital appointment on Wednesday which is still worrying me.. but I did feel better after our little chat..
Today.. I went to Chepstow Market.. which was a bit boring really.. not a lot there! But I got Libby half a cow or something.. so she's been quietly eating her way through that all evening! Oh.. I bought a new hosepipe as well.. and the stupid nozzle fell off when I was trying to adjust it and soaked me to the skin..
Libby looks like swamp beast! We went down to the canal earlier.. and its all green and swamplike.. and of course she just had to jump in! Least it cooled her down a bit..
The weekend has ended with me feeling that I've upset someone.. well I know I have! Thing is.. while I'm feeling this lousy.. I don't even think I have the energy to put it right! Guess I'm still a bit naive assuming he'll understand the reasons I do what I do!
Its really hot this weekend.. and my dad wants his fan back!! Strangely enough I keep forgetting it when I visit.. lol
xx August 03
Has anyone seen my kitchen roll? The other night driving back from Tesco.. a little too fast obviously.. my boot flung open and my kitchen rolls flew out! Been wondering if they hit anyone.. imagine explaining that one in casualty.. “I got hit by flying kitchen roll!” lol
Oh.. they’re searching for a star at work! The BBC are making a program connected with my office.. and they want someone from the office to star in it! Depends how my hair turns out as to whether I volunteer or not I think! Cos I’m getting it cut on Saturday.. at a hairdresser’s I’ve never been to before.. so it could be a bit disastrous and I might have to remain in doors for an extremely long time! I still haven't been brave enough to wear my new sunglasses in public.. I bought them the other day.. and I swear those mirrors they put by the sunglasses stands have some kind of magical compound in them cos I thought I looked quite cool.. when in actual fact I look like a complete moron! They practically cover my whole face over! I look like I've got those big protective shields on like the ones my Dad used to wear when he did welding or some other such dangerous to the eyes task!
Oh.. and I must apologise.. I was in the middle of replying to comments the other night.. when they decided to update all the spaces and so I’d only done a couple and then I couldn’t get into anymore! Was slightly worried at first cos I thought my new computer was broken.. but then later someone told me of the changes and I realised.. so I’ll have another go at comments later and tomorrow.. Just hope you don’t think me rude and ignorant!
I’ve not been very well again today.. was sick at work and have had some pains and felt dizzy. I’ve got to go back to the hospital next week for some more tests.. and the thing is I just can’t stop worrying about it.. so I’m not sleeping properly.. so its making me feel even worse! Then me being me.. I looked up my symptoms on one of those Ask the Doctor websites.. and I now have a list of a possible 63 things that could be wrong with me! 8 of which are fatal!! So of course now I’m worried even more and in a slight state of panic because I haven't made a will yet! Not that I have much to leave.. just my shoes and handbags and my glitterball really! Oh and of course Libby.. oh and the money from my pension thing!!
Anyway.. took my mind off it all this evening for a little while.. my favourite shoe website has a massive sale on!! 75% off!!! So obviously they were just calling to me and begging me to buy them! Was good tho and only bought 3 pairs..
Right.. have to go now.. someone’s nudging my thigh with their cold wet nose! 
xx
PS.. Lisa and Steve.. I have tried and tried to get into your spaces to reply to your comments but its just not having it!! keeps crashing out! Don't know why it's picking on your particular spaces everyone else's seems to be working.. I'll try again tomorrow anyway! xx August 01
Guess what I got Yesterday?
A New PC!! Woohoo.. its so cool and speedy and slinky..
Anyway.. I have a bit of my bonus left now so I could almost buy a washing machine.. but after my discovery that you need lots of shoes on medical grounds.. I’ve had a little chat with my mum and she’s gonna let me use hers for a few more weeks and I can buy one next month instead.. So I can go shoe shopping on Saturday.. Actually.. I think she’s just a bit relieved I’ve lost the miserable look off my face at long last.. and would probably happily agree to do my washing for the rest of my life if it meant I could buy more shoes and be happy!
Had a nice weekend.. which was extended to Yesterday cos I had the day off work.. went to the pub on Saturday night.. discovered that I really don’t need too many drinks before I start coming out with the most useless load of bullshit ever.. even though I myself, think that I am being very wise and knowledgeable at the time! Oh god.. it makes me cringe when I think about the things I say.. Oh and I made spaghetti Bolognese before we went.. this time I remembered how to get the spaghetti to curl around and go into the saucepan.. lol Only thing I did which was probably a bit dodgy.. was as I opened the tin of tomatoes.. I noticed that the use by date on the lid was August 2005! So I just hid the lid!! So far no ones been ill.. so looks like I got away with that one!
Libby’s got the sulks! Big time!! Lol She loves going out in the car.. so she ended up coming PC shopping with me Yesterday.. we stopped off at the pub first and though she was extremely pleased to see someone she got a bit pissed off when she realised we were leaving her in the car and not letting her come in for a beer! I tried to cheer her up by cooking her some chicken breast last night.. but think she was a bit suspicious that I hadn’t cooked it properly.. she ate it in the end tho..
Had what started out to be the most boring meeting ever at work today.. but amazingly.. I got them all onto the subject of pink gin and wedge heel shoes.. so it turned out to be a fairly interesting meeting in the end! lol
Oh.. and disaster almost befell me when I went to Tesco just now.. I decided to buy this lamp.. to go on my new computer desk.. anyway, the one I wanted typically had to be on the very top shelf which was extremely high up.. couldn't find anyone around to ask to help me.. so did a little climb up the lower shelves til I could just about touch the tag hanging off the lamp.. so I pulled that meaning to catch the lamp.. problem was the stupid cable was trapped under all the other lamps on the shelf! So now I was faced with a dilema.. leave it hanging and hope that the lamp and all the other lamps don't fall off? Or shout for help? I left it hanging and just outta that aisle as fast as I could.. lol
I’m gonna revamp my space this week at some point.. but for the moment I’m just gonna go and play with my new PC.. Oh.. gonna reply to comments first.. cos I have been a little bit laxydasical in that respect lately..
xx
ps.. glad you all liked my giant cucumber.. have had a few suggestions as to its usage! But really!! I'm not that kind of girl!! July 28 A little uncharacteristically of me.. I did a little bit of tidying up the garden this evening.. pulling up weeds and stuff.. came across what I thought was the hugest slug in the world! Then I thought.. hang on slugs don't have hugemongous yellow bulgy eyes! I think it was a gigantic caterpillar! Have named him Monster..
Would anyone like a dog?? I could probably knit a couple with all Libby's hair I've hoovered up this week! Honestly it's a wonder she has any left! She ate the telephone directory Today.. well she didn't exactly eat it she just shredded it up and left it all in the hall..
Oh.. the man next door gave me a present Yesterday.. a cucumber out of his greenhouse! Biggest cucumber I ever did see.. the photo here shows it against one of Tesco's large range of cucumber.. Not so large now is it?
Today at work.. I was educated on the gay clubs of South Wales.. strangest conversation I ever did have! Oh and then me and the gay man had a discussion about shoes!! Yay!!! it only took 2 weeks.. but I knew we'd get there in the end! Best thing is.. he started it!! Asked me how much my monthly shoe bill came to.. lol and he said he liked the gold sparkly ones I had on Yesterday cos they looked like fun!! Actually.. I've been right all along about it being necessary to have lots of shoes.. I read on an NHS website Yesterday.. that you shouldn't ever wear the same pair of shoes 2 days running! Cos it takes 48 hours for shoes to dry out and refresh.. and it's dangerous to wear them again before they have cos it could cause you to have foot infections like athletes foot! So there.. I'm right! It's highly dangerous not to have lots of pairs of shoes!! Oh and another thing I'm right about.. it said you should always wear flip flops in the shower!! Think it meant public showers and hotel showers mind.. and not just cos you're scared about plug holes!! lol
I'm meant to be working Tomorrow.. but I really really don't feel like it at the moment.. been ever so tired Today.. but it's overtime which mean double pay.. which mean more shoes!! lol
xx
July 26 So sorry for the miserable moodiness of yesterday's blog.. but I guess we all get days like that and added to my bout of food poisoning everything seemed so awful! I had such a high temperature I was actually hallucinating when my friend came over.. lol My dad says that when I was young I hallucinated once when I ate chestnuts and got ill.. and I went all crazy like the girl out of the exocist and accused my dad of murdering my imaginery friend.. whose name was Girl! lmao how original!! He used to have to do everything for Girl.. and the number of times we all got in the car to go out.. and he'd locked Girl in the house and had to go back for her! Dad's eh? They never get it right do they?
I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and was horrifed because I thought I had this huge deep embedded wrinkle under my eye! On second inspection I realised it was a cut! Now where on earth did I get a cut from during the night? My mind boggles sometimes.. Oh my black toenail has got even blacker! I put some nail varnish on to cover it up on Sunday.. but the blackness has sort of crept up over the nail varnish and is showing again.. looks vile!
Libby just soaked me! She's got half a football.. half because she's eaten one half of it.. so it's like a bowl! Anyway.. she must have dropped it in her water bowl and filled it up before bringing it in and throwing it on my lap! She gets all excitable this time of evening.. cos its starting to get cooler! She's also discovered the apple tree in the garden! She lies there waiting for them to drop out and then scoffs them all up! Hope they don't give her a bad belly!
Anyway.. did I tell you I'm getting a new computer on Monday?  Well I am, as well as a new washing machine! So I'm gonna revamp my space next week I think.. it's looking a little bit old and tired.. just like me.. I'm gonna try and make it all posh and fancy! And then wash all my clothes in my new machine so I will be all posh and fancy too! lol
xx
July 25 ![]()
Well.. it had to get me in the end I suppose! I’ve managed to survive 37 years of being the world’s worse cook but last night I poisoned myself! I cooked this chicken thing in the oven.. and the middle was a little cold I suppose but I thought it would be ok.. anyway, I was extremely ill last night, and this morning I didn’t feel much better.. although I had at least stopped throwing up!
Its made me feel a little bit sad all day.. I don’t like being sick anyway and it always makes me cry.. but then I thought I’d be ok and got ready for work, then all it took was a sympathetic phone call and I started blubbing again! Its more than the sickness I know.. but I can usually manage to block the other stuff out and focus on the positive stuff sometimes.. but I suppose feeling crap makes that difficult to do!
So as a result of my feeling rubbish I was a miserable cow at work all day.. well not really miserable just a bit quiet I suppose, but they noticed.. and when I came back from a little walk at lunch time one of them had bought me a little cake and spelt out my initials in smarties on the top! So that cheered me up a little bit cos I thought it was such a nice thing to do..
Cheeryness didn’t last for very long unfortunately.. I just can’t stop thinking about certain things, situations and stuff.. and then my eyes fill up and I have to hold my breath for a while so the tears don’t come out! I can’t explain it on here.. think maybe I’m best just left on my own for a few days til I can see things a little bit clearer! I think maybe there’s a lot of things I need to write down to clear my head.. but not here cos I think that would be unwise.. a few people would be extremely pissed off or upset.. so I’m going to do what I think Daff suggested the other week and use a different space which no one else but me will have access to.. Oh and I’ll leave my password for that space in my will so when I die you can all have a good read.. cos I’m sure it will make very interesting reading indeed! For some.. and I’ll be dead so will be watching the aftermath and fallout from wherever I’ll be!!
Anyway.. on a brighter note I get my bonus on Monday!! So have decided to buy a new pc rather than a laptop.. couple of reasons but main one being that I am rather clumsy and likely to damage a laptop more easily that I would a pc.. my last one being a prime example! I’m also getting a new washing machine.. cos I’m just about sick of the Dyson one now.. and really can’t afford to keep paying out £85 everytime the computer bit on it decides to malfunction (which is pretty often).. so thought if I get a cheapish new one at least that will come with a guarantee for a while!
Oh have over time next weekend too and a payrise next month! whoohoo!!.. which is lucky really, as my shoe supply appears to be dwindling a little of late.. so I’ll be able to buy some more!
Anyway as I said.. feeling a bit down.. so although I'll come by as many spaces as this laptop will allow and say hello.. don't be too offended if I don't say a lot! I'll make it up to you all next week I promise..
xx July 21 
Feeling a bit thoughtful tonight.. it started in work I think.. the men are starting to get interested in me now.. don't think they've seen a woman for such a long time at work! lol They're trying to find out things about me and what I'm like as a person.. asking me question after question.. "what you doing at the weekend?", "why do you have so many shoes?", "what's your boyfriend like?", "do you live on your own?", "why don't you have any children?", "would you like children?", Aaaarrrggghhhh.. I hate those last two questions.. cos the answers are sooooo complicated!
I don't think I've ever told anyone the real reason I don't have any.. well I think I may have told one or two people who I've got close to.. Don't think I've even told Mr Current actually! Oh well.. read this and ask me questions and call me weird later! lol
There have been stages in my life where I did think I'd like to have a child.. but they never really lasted very long.. I never had those urges most women get when it comes to having children.. I suppose if my life had been a bit different and certain things hadn't happened at certain times I might have had one or two, just cos it was the normal thing to do.. but deep down.. and I know that some people are not gonna like this and think I'm probably the most evil bitch queen from hell.. but I just don't like babies.. There I said it! In fact.. they scare me to death.. I have an abnormal fear of them.. when both my nephew and my neice were born.. although I was their only aunty.. I never really visited them.. I bought them loads of things and spoiled them rotten.. but I refused to pick them up and give them a cwtch.. it was only when they were able to walk and talk and looked a bit more like proper people that I started to like them.. and strangely enough as soon as they could do this.. it was me out of a roomful of people that they'd come and sit on and ask to play or read a story or do colouring with them.. and we are really really close now! And I love them to bits.. I love spending time with them now.. and give them loads of cwtches and kisses.. but I also love leaving them behind with someone else at the end of the day!
Oh.. Had some good news at work too! My bonus is coming a week Monday.. so will be able to get my new laptop!! Aaaaand.. we're getting another woman join the team on Monday!! Woohoo.. I will have someone female to gossip with.. the gay man is ok I suppose.. but I am beginning to suspect he's telling me a few lies! Will enlighten you all on that next week! Anyway.. this woman is really nice.. just one problem, she's gonna be leaving in October.. Cos she's pregnant!! lol .. just hope it's not catching!!!!
xx
July 20 So.. you know how hot it's been? And I've been trying for ages and ages to get myself a fan.. not an adoring fan.. but one of those ones that swirls around and makes you all nice and cool! Problem is everyone else has the same idea and none of the shops have any left! Anyway.. this evening I paid a little visit to my parents.. and they have one of those ultra cool tall silver tower style fans.. and as I was sat there chatting.. my Dad mentioned I was looking a little bit tired.. so I kind of exagerated and told him how hot it was in my house at night.. and so I haven't slept for ages and ages.. so I exagerated a little bit more for effect.. and guess what? I'm now sitting in my living room with said ultra cool tall silver style fan blowing lovely cool air on me! Oh never underestimate the benefits of being a Daddy's Girl!! lol
Oh.. before I go.. Bermuda Man!! Today he came in wearing a pair of Navy tailored Bermuda shorts, shirt and tie, pair of brown brogues.. and the piece de resistance.. a pair of just slightly over the knee bright red socks!!! What??!!?? I just stared at him open mouthed when he came in this morning.. and so he explained to me the origins of his outfit.. which now I can't remember cos I was too busy thinking.. "What ARE you wearing???"..
xx
July 19 
There's a hideous smell in the kitchen at work.. I asked the others what it was and they haven't even noticed it! Men eh!! Typical.. it's horrible sort of musty damp smelly bum kind of smell! And it's such a tiny little kitchen just like a square box with a fridge and a sink in it.. and no windows.. So I bought one of those air fresener things on the way home today and will pop it in the kitchen tomorrow.. I also mentioned it to the cleaner and she said she'd give it an extra good clean tonight..
I've noticed since working with the men.. that they argue worse than women do! And they'll argue over absolutely anything!! It's amazing.. oh and Bermuda man wore his shorts and long socks and brogues today! lol I just couldn't stop staring.. Oh and these "men"? They've actually named the kettle!! It's called Kelly!!! 
Oh god! My neighbour's got himself a harmonica!! I went into work really early this morning..at 7 O'Clock so I could finish at 3 because of it being so hot.. so I thought I'll get my book and lots of cold water, and go laze in the garden! Well it was soooo peacefull.. until he suddenly started singing this really strange song.. then it went quiet.. and then came the harmonica! Libby didn't like it and started howling.. Scooby started barking.. and the small people started screaming.. it was bedlam! Anyway.. it's suddenly got really windy out there and quite coldish.. maybe not quite cold.. but fresh! I had to come in though cos I got goose bumps!
I've just realised I have nothing to say! lol All this absolute drivel finds it way from my brain to my fingertips.. oh did you know that today it was hot enough to actually fry your brain? Maybe that's the problem.. my brain has been fried!
xx
July 18 It's been a strange day today.. I've been a little pissed off with some aspects of my life.. but still feel strangely happy! Think it may be the sun.. confusing the emotions in my brain..
I've really needed to talk to someone all day! But I couldn't through one thing and another.. then I remembered.. it's Tuesday again! Strange the things that happen on Tuesdays isn't it?
Anyway.. problems aside.. it's still so hot!!!! My office though is lovely and cool cos it's in the shade all day and we have lots of fans.. and there's a little meeting room just to the side and this morning while we had our meeting in there.. we turned the airconditioning right down to 16 degrees.. ah bliss.. it was wonderful to feel cold again! lol So then we were a bit naughty and wasteful and left it on and left the door wide open so the cold air seeped out into our office!
OH speaking of work.. there was a fire last night.. in the building next to ours.. and the thing is there was some chemical contamination so all the people that live around there were evicted from their houses for the night.. and it was touch and go whether our office was gonna be open today.. bloody shame they gave it the all clear at 6am! Grrrrrr.. So near yet so far to a day in the garden!!
Had a bit of a scare just before lunch too.. I had a message from the big boss of bosses that he wanted to see me immediately in his office! I worried all the way there cos I thought I'd done something wrong or something.. but it was ok.. he just wanted to ask me if I'd do a special project for him in September.. I told him I was worried cos I'm still learning the job I'm doing.. and wasn't sure if I could fit anymore stuff in my brain.. but he said I'd be cool.. and it'd be a good thing for me to do.. so in the end I said yes!
OH camp gay man had a right strop this morning.. someone said something as a joke which really upset him.. and he spent the whole of the meeting in an enormous sulk! He sat there with his arms folded across his chest and a pout on! lol Got sorted later tho.. and he went and bought us all some jammy dodgers! Mmmmmmm.. oh and then he started up a very strange conversation with me.. not sure how it went from stays in hospital to how to shave your testicals!!! lol But now I know and I even had a demo! Eeewwwwww 
xx
July 17 So.. my toe nail is still black.. toe is killing me and I'm walking with a limp.. but I still managed to wear my most excellent shoes and had a pretty groovy day!
My new team mates are really nice and they chat a lot and we all had a good laugh! I was surprised really.. seeing as they are all men!
Anyway.. let me introduce you to Mr McFluffy, Mrs McFluffy and their ever expanding family.. they live on the windowsill in my new office!
These belong to ID the extra camp gay man.. he reckons they just fly in over night and when he comes into work in the mornings there's one landed on the ceiling or something.. lol Sadly.. Mrs McFluffy was in a car accident.. and has lost her legs! So if anyone has a spare pair let me know and I'll pass them on to her! She's the one in the pink by the way!
Oh.. hasn't it been lovely and hot again? And everyone just moans about it! (inlcuding me mind you).. but I like it really.. it makes my nails and hair grow longer and look much healthier.. and it makes me happier I think.. a bit of sunshine! Would be better if I didn't have to go into work mind..
OH.. Libby's moaning about the heat as well.. she said she can't cope any longer! And she needs constant supply of ice lollies..
I found some strange things in my kitchen cupboard this evening.. a packet of baking stuff, some hundreds and thousands, and some other identified stuff in a pot! Strange that I should have things to bake with in my cupboard.. maybe I was a bit drunk when I bought them?
Does anyone else like rice and coleslaw sandwiches? Or is it just me?
xx
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