It's crap really.. life.. just when you think things are gonna start to get better, which I did about 3 or four weeks ago, everything goes wrong again. I feel quite brave this time tho.. got my sensible head on I
think..
I'm lucky really.. got loads and loads of lovely friends, most of whom will do anything for me.. as I would for them I suppose.. but it's only when I stop and think about it that I realise.. Even the friends I made through this space.. jus  the comments they leave me is enough to make me feel better for a bit.. and sometimes I just come and read the comments over and over again cos some people are just so nice.. I can't hardly ever read what I've written though.. cos it just makes me cringe!
I write like a ten year old I think!
Had to close my space.. cos what is happening is so very private really.. all of it. And though I know people understand and care about me.. I don't really want them all knowing all this stuff.. Mind soon as I closed it was inundated with emails asking for access! lol haven't given it though.. only 2 people have access to it at the moment apart from me.. an  well I tell those 2 people everything anyway (well not quite everything.. still like to keep a couple of things secret to just me).. so it doesn't really matter what I write.. Although I am guarded cos I probably will want to open it up someday again.. and I don't want to have to go through it deleting loads of stuff.. Though at the moment I can't see me ever opening it up.. but you never know! Anyway.. I've gone into hiding.. so I can't comment on any spaces either..  Had so much bad news lately.. that I'm beginning to feel I'm some kind of jinx to society or something.. and I just thought that if I write something down here it might clear my head a little bit.. cos it really is really muddled up today..
I went to see one of my old school friends today.. she's in hospital with cancer of the bowel and the liver.. I was shocked when I saw her.. cos the last time, just before Christmas she was perfectly healthy.. now she has no hair.. and is just really a skeleton sitting in her bed.. weird thing was she was smiling.. and she never used to smile.. was always looking miserable.. I told her that it's the first time I ever saw her smile.. but she knows I was joking and she laughed! I went to Gregs first and got some of those doughnuts with the pink icing and the sprinklies on to cheer her u  a bit.. anyway.. we got told off a few times cos we were laughing too loud and disturbing the other patients so must have worked.. I hated leaving her.. I hope its not the last time I ever see her..

Someone else close to me died the other week too.. it's weird, cos I've known him nearly all my life.. and whenever I used to visit my parents I'd pop in and see how he was doing too.. even if it was just to pop my head around the kitchen door and say Hello, goodbye! Cos he never locked the door and anyone could just walk in.. Most times I'd go in though.. and have a cup of coffee and a fig roll and he'd make me have a game of scrabble with him! He used to cheat mind.. used to make words up and then give me bizarre meanings for them when I questioned.. lol it's strange to think he's not there anymore.. and I keep forgetting he actually isn't! Maybe cos he died and was buried without me knowing about it.. dunno..
Had a row with my Mum yesterday.. which is strange, cos we never row.. it was over nothing really.. I was just being miserable and sour faced and she kept on and on.. so in the end I snapped! Told her a few things that have been bugging me about her and my sister and her family lately.. should have just kept my mouth shut really.. cos I was a complete bitch.. but I've said it now so I suppose at least she knows how I feel.. We've made up now.. and she made my Dad cook me egg and chips for tea.. so she must like me again!
I'm feeling much better now physically.. feel tired all the time if I do too much.. but then I always used to get tired anyway.. so nothing new there.. my stitches are less itchy too.. and cos it was keyhole surgery the holes aren't all tha  big and so there won't be hardly any scarring.. doctor said I can even start to go swimming again end of this week! So I'll do that.. I did have a little panic mind.. cos the stitches are on the inside.. they don't have to be removed they will just dissolve! So I got worried that they wouldn't actually dissolve.. they would just all come undone and float around inside me and join up and strangle my intestines or something.. doctor said I have a rather strange imagination!! lol
I feel a bit guilty cos I feel like I've let a couple of people down this week.. I've done my best.. but I really need to concentrate on myself from now on.. and the only way I can do that is to switch off and cut myself off.. I'm not used to doing that, so it feels like I'm doing something wrong.. but like me, these people have other friends to help them through.. better friends than I could ever be..
It's weird writing this.. cos normally when I write stuff in here I'm aware that a lot of people are gonna read it.. but now no one is! Mind you I dunno why people did in the first place! But since I closed it.. I got some emails from complete strangers who I never even heard of.. saying they always follow my stories and they miss me! They came off those ones with requests for access! I was amazed really.. all these secret people reading my stupid little stories.. most said they just came to read cos I made them laugh.. one said she likes my new hair and I reminded her of a young Pamela Ewing.. lol actually I know the person who sent me that one.. had a bit of a run in once.. and we had to go sort it out on messenger but we did.. didn't realise she kept reading though..
So see? I just worked out why I like writing in here.. at the beginning of this one.. I said life was crap.. now I've jus  written all that it doesn't seem so bad and I feel a bit better! Have to stop now though.. cos I need the loo.. and it takes me ages to get there.. lol
xx

For Silver