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March 19 RichieI had a friend, a special friend.. I've known him since I was 5 and he was 9.. he used to tease me then about my freckles and pull my pigtails.. but as we got older I came to rely on him like a big brother. I didn't always appreciate him and sometimes he treated me like shit.. but not intentionally and deep down he loved me with all his heart. We used to argue a lot, and sometimes we wouldn't speak for months.. but if ever I was in trouble he'd come running.. he was always there for me. Whether it was a midnight flight from New York or a midnight drive from London.. I could always rely on him. When I was ill last year, it was him that paid for me to go to a private hospital and get the best treatment.. it was him who stayed at my house and made sure everything was ok so that I didn't have to worry about anything.. it was him who sat with me and held my hair back as I was throwing up after I had chemo. He did all this knowing that his father had just died.. but didn't tell me because he was afraid it would stop me getting better.
He could be a bit of a bastard.. a real ladies man.. could never settle down with one woman, always had to be on the look out for someone better.. Although he told me the reason for this was that he was looking for another me.. He asked me to marry him many times, I always turned him down.. the last time because I was in love with someone else.. that caused problems in itself.. the two of them fell out.. and a mutual dislike was formed. I was caught in the middle and felt like I had to choose between the man I was in love with and my best friend at times..
I had a phone call.. from Richie's latest girlfriend. He'd been in a car crash.. pretty badly smashed up.. in a coma and lost a couple of limbs.. she told me she didn't want me to visit him. Then on Friday she was told he could be brain damaged and had lost an eye.. next time she contacted me was to tell me she was walking away..
I went to see him on Saturday.. sat with him all through the night.. just babbling on to him. When I told him that Wales had beaten England in the Rugby game he squeezed my hand, and for a while I thought he was going to pull through. I sat there all night talking to him.. I couldn't sleep.. then about 5 O'Clock Sunday morning.. he spoke to me.. just a few words "I love your hair like that".. then he died.
I knew he'd gone I could just feel the life drain out of him.. and I just sat and stroked his hand until one of the nurses came and took me into another room. I was really brave and didn't cry at all.. eventually I went back to the hotel and slept until the afternoon. I drove home last night.. and when I got home the tears started falling and they haven't stopped since.. he was so full of life.. so naughty, so caring, such a pain in the arse.. and I don't don't what I'm going to do without him in my life..
I went to choose his coffin today.. I think that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. he wouldn't have liked any of them, they were all too miserable and boring looking.. I told the man in the funeral home that I wanted a black shiney one with red devil horns.. cos that's the one he would have wanted.. he couldn't help with that though.. I have to arrange his funeral now.. because there is no one else to do it. I really don't know what I'm doing.. and its all so awful and confusing and I just want to get everything just right for him. Its the last thing I'll ever be able to do for him after all..
I'm beginning to think I have done something really bad. Everyone I love dies. I've started to think I should just cut everyone off and go away and live on a desert island so I can't hurt anyone anymore.. This is the second of my close friends to die in a month! The 4th in just two years!!
I'm bad luck and I really hate feeling this sad all of the time.. everytime things look like they're on the up something bad happens and just drags me back down so low I think I'll never be able to smile again.. Ever!
I'm sorry Richie.. I'm sorry you died and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more over the last year. I'll never forget you and will miss you for ever and ever..
Love Scarlette
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